What I Am Learning

One thing I have learned in my walk with Christ is that I am never done learning.  This is discouraging at times because I wonder if I will ever truly be Christ-like.  But it is also so very encouraging! No matter how badly I mess up, how far I wander, or how long I go on ignoring Christ's voice calling me back to him, he is still waiting to teach me some more.  He doesn't give up on me!

So I know it isn't really "New Year" anymore, but it is Chinese New Year today; and since half my heart is in China anyway, this is still appropriate for today!  I was reading in a devotional by Sarah Young called Jesus Calling and I was struck by this (to be read as Christ speaking directly to you),

 "Come to Me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed.  A close walk with Me is a life of continual newness.  Do not cling to old ways as you step into a new year.  Instead, seek My Face with an open mind, knowing that your journey with Me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Wow.  I cling to my old ways with fierceness!  It is time to let go of some old ways and be willing to allow Christ to change me through the renewing of my mind.

The next page also talked about bringing my mind back to Him for refreshing and renewal.  I cannot let the thoughts of the trials of the day bog me down, but rather focus on the Lord.  He is my strength!

Psalm 105:4, "Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always." 

El Shaddai

With my Ladies Bible Study group, I am studying the book, Lord, I Want to Know You, by Kay Arthur.  It is a study of the names of God.  Having grown up in church, I am quite familiar with all of God's names.  I know what they mean and have probably heard a sermon or other teaching on them, but do I *know* them?  Do I truly live as though the are all absolutely true?

So far we have looked at:

• Elohim - The Creator God
• El Elyon - The God Most High, Sovereign
• El Roi - The God Who Sees
• El Shaddai - The All-Sufficient One

Each lesson, though short, has impacted me in a new way.  It is great to be reminded that God created everything for his glory, and that each creation was intentional! (Even my flaws were intentionally created by God - chew on that one for a minute!) I felt completely reverent and in awe realizing that my God, the one who took the time to create me just so, is also the Most High God, sovereign over everything.  Isn't it amazing that with all the power He has, He still takes the time to know me?  I was encouraged that God truly sees everything that is happening on earth.  Not only does he see it all, he cares about what is happening, and is involved in caring for us.  He actually has a plan for us all - even those who don't know him personally - and makes sure it is accomplished.

This last week, I was especially struck by El Shaddai, the All-Sufficient One.  In today's English, we use the word sufficient to mean, "just barely enough." I got to thinking about that, though.  If something is sufficient, it is enough. If I have sufficient food for today, no one goes hungry.  If I have sufficient gas to get to my destination, I don't have to stop to refuel.  If I have sufficient money to pay my bills, I do not run out before they are all covered.  If I have sufficient grace to make it through any situation, I...well, what does that mean?  It means God is my protector, the unconditional lover of my soul.  When I run into the arms of my El Shaddai, I never come away wanting. This covers all my weaknesses!  As I read about it, I got the image of my body as a glass shell.  Most of it was filled in with the image of me, but there were big empty spots and gaps where my patience should have been, my compassion, my self-control...But when I turn to El Shaddai, I pictured him being poured out to fill in all the gaps that were in my glass body "container." He is enough for each of those weaknesses! This also covers all the unpleasant circumstances I face. All. Of. Them.  When we suffer loss, He is sufficient.  When we face illness, He is sufficient.  When we face the rebellion of a child, He is sufficient.  When our source of income is suddenly gone, He is sufficient.  When our spouse does the unthinkable, He is sufficient.  When we face death itself, He is sufficient.

II Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Hebrews 1: 3: "The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven." (emphasis mine)

How would I be different if I lived with a full understanding of God as my El Shaddai?

Patient

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."  Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Gee, that's not a tall order or anything! When I think about how I react toward and how I treat my family, one thought that comes up often is how I am not very patient.  I have to wonder, can I be truly loving toward my family without being patient? Unfortunately for me, I'm pretty sure the answer is, "No."

In their book The Love Dare, Stephen and Alex Kendrick propose that love is built on two pillars: patience and kindness. It is not their original idea - we are all familiar with the verse beginning, "Love is patient, love is kind." But knowing something and applying it to everyday life are two very different things.  This has made me think about how to show more patience with my family.  How would that look? How would I have to change? Again, the Kendrick's have much to say that resonates with me.

First, being patient means staying positive in a negative situation. Negative situations are part of life! Any time more than one person lives in a house, spending time together every day, negative situations abound! How will I react? Earlier today, Andrew was being his normal, very talkative self.  I was trying to read something very important (Well, Facebook can be important, right?) and he just kept saying the same thing over and over and over to me.  This isn't something that has to be a negative situation, but I quickly turned it into one with my lack of patience.  I became frustrated that he was interrupting me and annoyed at his repetition.  My lack of patience made it impossible for my son to see my love for him in that moment.  This is also an important thing for me to remember right now while Jerry and my older boys are going through an allergy treatment. No one would dare argue about whether that is a negative situation! Probably because so much prayer has gone into these three-day treatment periods over the last two years, I am able to be very patient with the negative aspects of these treatments.  When my children whine, vomit, and refuse to eat, I am saddened and I do get frustrated because I want them to do what they should to not suffer, but I also am patient knowing that it will end in a few days.  That patience allows me to have an internal calm regardless of what is happening around me.  Without it, I would have a hard time showing my family love in the way they need it on these days.

Second, patience makes us wise.  If I am not quick to rush to judgment, but allow myself to truly listen to the one I love in a difficult conversation or situation, I am able to respond in love. Proverbs had much to say about this, such as, "He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly." The Kendrick's put it well, "Patience is where love meets wisdom."

Finally, patience gives our loved ones permission to be human.  Everyone makes mistakes, falls short, and fails at times. I don't have to look very far to find numerous examples of this human nature - I can just look in the mirror!  When I am consistently patient, my family knows they doesn't have to be afraid to make these inevitable human errors in front of me. They can be confident of my love!

Patience doesn't come naturally to me, but it is a quality worth striving for. This is something in which the Lord has been dealing with me. What has he been showing you lately?

On Humility

From Beth Moore's Esther study on Esther ch. 6:

"All will fall before God's throne.  Blessed is he - and blessed is she - who doesn't have far to go."

I sure hope I never become so much like Haman that even my friends and family realize there is no more hope for me!

"My salvation and my honor depend upon God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge." Ps. 62:7

Conviction

When I was reading through one of the lessons in the Beth Moore Esther Bible study this morning, I came across a paragraph that really struck me.  You know, one of those times that something hits you between the eyes and sucks the breath right out of you for just a second?

"If we distance ourselves long enough from real needs, we repace them with those that aren't.  Pretense becomes the new real and suddenly a delay in the delivery of our new couch becomes a terrible upset.  We are wise to force ourselves to keep differentiating between simple inconveniences and authentic tribulations.  The more detached and self-absorbed we become, the more we mistake annoyances for agonies."

What do you think of that?  Any thoughts?

Petitioning God

I was reading a devotional today and a couple of lines really struck me. The devotional was on asking God for help, and was based on I Peter 5:6-7. Are you like me, and find yourself waiting until you have tried every other solution you can think of before going to God and asking for help? This isn't always the case, but most of the time, I go to God and ask for help after I am at the end of my rope, rather than as soon as a problem arises. What pride! I suppose that is why the verse right before we are commanded to cast our cares on God tells us to humble ourselves before God.

The writer of this devotional makes an excellent point about why we pray and ask God for help. It really isn't about getting the solution we want. He says,

"The point is that it really doesn't matter how God decides to solve the problem. By asking God for help, you have admitted that you need Him, and that is what really matters. How God decides to deal with the issue is immaterial, but rest assured He will intervene in the best way possible. God does not want you to depend on a particular solution; He wants you to depend on Him. "

How often I depend on the solution instead of Him! Jesus modeled this for us when he prayed before he went to the cross. The writer points out that the purpose of Jesus's prayer was to connect with his father.

"But what is perhaps more surprising is that Jesus is asking for something He knows He cannot have. When Jesus asks, "Let this cup be taken from me", He is perfectly aware that it is the Father's will for Him to proceed, so why even ask? Jesus speaks these words not to seek a result, but simply to express His anguish and anxiety. Jesus is not asking for a reprieve; He is asking for comfort."

I really needed to read this today. There is one thing I have petitioned God for help with throughout the years that is still a problem for me. Many times now I don't even petition any more, because I think God intends for me to depend on him through the tough times rather than remove the difficulty from me. This is encouragement for me to continue to pray. I need the prayer in order to depend on God! Not that I think God will change his answer (though he could), but because I need His comfort and help.

Fall on Jesus

Somtimes I find myself wallowing in guilt. This is something that I didn't recognize until recently, either. You see, I have a real fear of failure. This is an unhealthy fear. Everyone fails at something at some time. The key is to learn from failure. Instead, I tend to feel shame and guilt when I fail. Rather than motivate me to do better, that shame and guilt usually drives me to do things to not have to feel the shame and guilt, like lose myself in a book or turn to a pint of ice-cream. These things, of course, only lead to more shame and guilt! What a horrible, downward spiral to get caught in!

God has been dealing with me on these things and teaching me so much. I know that neither shame nor guilt is from Him. Today, I was blessed by a song. With these thoughts fresh on my mind, I set to cleaning up and put on my i-pod while doing so. The song by Chris Rice called "Untitled Hymn" (Come to Jesus) came on, and the words went straight to my soul:

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall...

so Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live.

I'm going to fall. The question is, "What am I going to do when I fall?" Oh that the answer would always be to go straight to my Jesus and let him help me up!

I hope that listening to this song will bless you as much as it has blessed me today!

Only Grace

Ephesians 2: 4-10 (NIV)

“4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Over the past two years, God has been teaching me about his grace. He has given me many opportunities to see my own sin and to recognize that it is only by his grace that I am able to come to him at all. I have learned the amazing freedom that comes by confession and true repentance. The amazing thing is that not only does God show me grace when I come to him and ask for his forgiveness, he continues to give me grace as I then attempt to truly change my ways. He helps me change by giving me the Holy Spirit to teach me and point out the areas that still need work. I do not deserve any of this, yet he gives it to me freely!

After God began to teach me about his gift of grace toward me, he also began to teach me about how to show grace to others. He taught me that he shows the same grace to others as he shows to me. That should change how I view them, too. All of us who have come to know God as our savior were once dead in transgressions. None of us could have come to God on our own. None of us has a corner on “being good,” just as none of us has the corner on being the “worst sinner.” We were all dead, and have all been made alive! God showed me that this should affect how I treat my brothers and sisters in Christ. It is so easy to point a finger at someone else, or to judge either openly or in my heart. But the family of God should be a place of grace.

Yesterday I had an experience where I heard a song that I have heard countless times before, but this time I really heard the words. They said just what has been in my heart. The song is “Only Grace” by Matthew West. Look at some of the words:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There
is no blame
What happened yesterday...has disappeared
The dirt has
washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only
love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left here
There's only grace

What a great look at what god has done for each one of us! There is also encouragement later in the song. I know I can get discouraged when I struggle with a sin over and over. I take it to god, and he forgives me; but then after a while, I find myself struggling again. But God does not give up on me, and I cannot give up working to be more like Christ even after I fall again! The song goes on to say:

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take
my hand
Get back up, get back up again

His grace and mercy are enough! I can get up again and continue to run the race before me because his grace and mercy are enough.

Have you ever wondered if God really cares about all the minuscule details of your life? Have you ever wondered if he really knows each little emotion you are feeling? Although I do not think I have actively questioned either of these things, I did not completely understand the implications of his precise care for me until today.

Our adoption process has been one huge learning experience for me, and I am sure that it will continue to be so. Over the past five months, I have experienced every high and low emotion I can think of because of this process. When we first got started, I had two different people tell me that it would be a roller coaster ride, with highs, lows, and all points in between. Boy! Were they right! God has taught me to truly trust him. He has taught me much about what it really means to "let go and let God." He has shown me the meaning of the word sovereign. But what I learned today was that not only does he know my every need, no matter how tiny, but he anticipates my needs and is working on meeting them before I even know the need exists! This is so special to me, because as a wife and mom I feel like I am constantly anticipating the needs of my husband and children. I think that is good and right, but I have to admit that I sometimes feel neglected in this area. I have been known to throw a pity party or two, wallowing in the fact that I spend all my time anticipating their needs, yet they cannot seem to notice a single one of mine and meet it without me asking! What I learned (and am still learning, I'm sure) is that I was looking in the wrong place to have my needs anticipated and met without me asking. God has been doing this for me, and I haven't even noticed! How neglected he must feel!

As I posted a couple weeks ago, because of Hurricane Ike I did not go to Houston. Instead, I mailed my final document to Austin and decided that when it came back I would then make the call about whether to drive the complete dossier to Houston myself or hire a courier, mail the documents to the courier, and have them walk them into the Consulate for me. As this last week progressed, I knew the document would be returning from Austin soon and I began to get all my ducks in a row for Houston. The Consulate resumed their regular services on Wednesday, but I have been having more and more contractions and they are less and less related to my activity level. So I began looking at the courier more seriously. One thing I discovered was that the Consulate was scheduled to be closed October 1-3 for a Chinese national holiday. Well, this morning the doorbell rang at 8:30AM. Our document was back! After much initial elation, I began to do the math. "Send the dossier on Monday, courier receives it on Tuesday, they take it to the Consulate on Wednesday...Oh, wait! The consulate is closed on Wednesday. They couldn't take it until next Monday. Then, even if we pay for expedited service, it wouldn't be done until Tuesday, mailed back on Wednesday, and I wouldn't get it until Thursday. That's almost two weeks even with the rush fees!" So I talked to Jerry about how we could get it there sooner. Since I really cannot sit in the car that long anymore, or go that far from my doctor, he decided that if I felt strongly about it, he would leave Sunday morning around 4:00AM to drive it to my brother's house and still get home about the time we came home from church. Then my brother would have to take it to the Consulate Monday for the rush service. Since that plan hinged on my brother's ability to go to the Consulate first thing Monday morning (since he does have a job and all...) I called. He couldn't go Monday morning, but without even asking if my sister-in-law could, she yells in the background that she can do it! Then, my brother says, "Wait! I may be able to save Jerry the trip here." As it turns out, one of our friends is already driving down to Houston tomorrow to help my brother rebuild his fence, and he could drive the documents for us! He came by this evening and got them, and they will go to the Consulate Monday morning without us having to drive down, spend the money on gas to go down, spend the money on the courier, or wait for Fed Ex to do the driving for us! Then, if all goes as planned, the fully authenticated dossier will be back on its way to us overnight Tuesday and we will overnight it to our adoption agency after finishing a few little steps once it is back! The agency should have it by Friday morning!! I cannot believe it!

God knew that the hurricane was coming and I would not be able to take my trip as planned. He knew how long it would take to get the document back from Houston. He knew that the Consulate would be closed October 1-3. He knew that when I did the math, my heart would sink as I realized that there would be another two week delay. He had already planned for our friend to be headed down at the same time as we would need to go. He had already planned for this friend and my brother to take off from work during this next week to repair the fence. He even planned for my brother's insurance to come through and be ready with all the details for the fence repair to be able to occur this coming week! God anticipated that I would need this done faster than the courier would be able to do it, and he once again provided all the details to get it done. Isn't He great? He knows me so well, and rather than get upset with me for being so frail, He loves me enough to provide for me what I need.

I sure hope each and ever person I know and love is able to have this kind of experience, too. This is really a lesson that is better learned first hand!

And the High-flier Comes Down With a Thump

I've been convicted strongly lately that I'm not really holding up my end of the bargain here. I'm using this pregnancy thing way too much as a poor excuse as to why dinner wasn't ready today, or why our bedroom is so unorganized or...whatever. I keep expecting Del to just shut down on me and become resentful but he hasn't. He keeps showering me with love and admiration and encouragement and patience. I don't deserve it, but boy am I ever grateful for such faith in me. This really all speaks heavily to our relationship with God and his faithfulness to us despite our constant failings and betrayals. I love seeing the much larger picture of God's love for us played out in my own marriage with Del's love for me, despite my failings. It's amazing.

Anyway, I did so well on Friday. And then on Saturday it (whatever that is) all came crashing down around me and continued on to Sunday. Then for some reason this morning I'm back on the wagon again. I don't get it. There are two main things that I think contributed to my lack of function on the weekend.

1) Del's home. Can't he pick up the slack?
2) The TV is on a lot more.

As to the first, I don't get a vacation on the weekend just because Del's home. Whether he's home or not the house is still my domain. The dishes still must be cleaned, the kids fed, the laundry done and general order kept in the house. I cannot "check out" just because I have back up. Plus, this isn't Del's domain. The poor man has no idea what my daily routine is so how is he to be expected to maintain it when he's home on the weekends?

The second. Basically this weekend we watched the Ryder Cup and football. All. Day. Long. While riveting and interesting, the television is a time sap, an energy sap and a waste of time, generally. I've read many articles about why we should just chuck out TV into the dump, and truthfully often I find that to be the most appealing choice. But I honestly can't do that because we like to relax watching mindless action flicks and let the kids watch VeggieTales and stuff like that. My big problem with the TV is that I don't control the time factor very well. It starts to become part of the family when it should just be a temporary distraction. Hmmm....

But anyway, the point of this post is that this morning I was about to go on a mad clean up since I did so little over the weekend when I recalled a little tidbit I read over at Terry's. Basically she said she makes a small list of things to accomplish for herself everyday and keeps it that simple. That's a pretty good idea, I think and I've been contemplating the strategy every since she first posted about it. The list is the "must do" and anything else is icing on the cake.

I made this list for myself today:

- school
- dinner
- read to Sarah
- laundry
- straighten my bedroom

So far, I've done dinner and the laundry and half of school. Plus I made scones, cleaned up the kitchen and got the girls to CLEAN UP THEIR ROOM. Bonus. I think I'll try this method for a while. Maybe it'll stick. I know that dinner should be just a foregone conclusion, but often if I don't remind myself to prepare for dinner, dinner ends up being eggs and toast...again. AND, I must make this list the night before. It's motivation for me to get out of bed.


On a totally different topic: we did go see the house again this weekend. I can hardly believe that in just a few weeks this will be our house. We picked out a dishwasher, microwave, range and refrigerator for the kitchen. We might need to get the countertops replaced. I know those seem really expensive, but it's cheaper than remodeling the entire kitchen and with the range and microwave it will be like having three ovens. I CAN'T WAIT! It'll be so fun to be able to bake/cook many things at once instead of waiting until one is done so I can do another. Plus, we won't pay full price for any of them.

Speaking of countertops, what do you like? I know that granite is all the rage these day but I just don't get it. It's terribly expensive and bad, bad, bad for your knives!!! I sort of like Corian. What would you put in if you could have your choice of countertops?

Living and Active

Psalm 43:5

"Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again -
my savior and my God!"

Worry vs. Faith

I am not normally one to worry. Sometimes, even when I should worry a bit, I don't. I don't worry about my kids, finances, relationships - nothing. Until now. I have also been a person for whom faith comes easily. I do not doubt God, but take him at his word. I have never struggled with a crisis of faith. I know that my easy and big faith is a gift, because many, many people I have talked to struggle with faith, but not me. Until now. The delay in getting our home study report has caused me to sink into a pit of worry. I am worried that we won't get it in time to get it through immigration. I am worried that immigration will take so long that we won't have time to do all the other steps of the adoption before this baby is born. I am worried that I will rush around at the last minute trying to finish, only to have the baby born days before the paperwork is logged in in China. I am worried that we will no longer qualify if that happens, and that we will lose all the money we have spent on it and have to start over when this baby is older. It has become consuming. Jerry and I have talked and talked about it this last week, and I see clearly that I am not trusting God in this. He told us to go forward and He is fully capable of seeing it through, no matter what delays may happen. I know this, but do I believe it? I am not walking in faith on this matter right now.

Have you ever noticed that when God wants to teach us something, he continually puts it in front of our faces until we get it? That happens to me. Little things happened throughout the week to confront me with my lack of patience and lack of faith. Then at church yesterday, the sermon was on Mark 9:14-24. I feel just like this man who knew Jesus could heal his son, but had begun to doubt and cried, "I believe! Help my unbelief!" This is where I am. The message really spoke to me and gave me lots to think about. Jerry and I talked on it for an hour last night and then I spent some time in prayer handing this whole situation over to God.

This morning I woke up feeling so much better and lighter and freer. I pulled out one of my favorite books, Beth Moore's Praying God's Word, and opened up to the section titled "Overcoming Unbelief." Again, she writes in the introduction about the same passage of scripture! Okay, I hear you, God! she also brings up Eph. 1: 18-20, "I pray also that hey eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead." Is getting my paperwork in before the baby comes more difficult than raising someone from the dead? I think not. Well, then, I think God is fully capable of doing that if I believe!

Another verse that spoke to me this morning was Isaiah 26:3-4, "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in Yahweh, the Lord, is everlasting strength."

Yet Another Update

So again, almost all I blog about is the adoption...but hey, that's my life right now! We had our final home study visit yesterday. Our social worker seemed really positive about us and now we will wait for her to write her report. I think it will probably be about two weeks before we get it back from what I can gather from what she said. We were really fortunate to work with a very nice social worker and I felt like the whole experience was positive. The only thing that I wish had gone a bit better was when she talked to the kids. Since they have been in VBS each evening this week, they are so tired. So when she talked to them, they had just gotten up from their nap and were a bit cranky. She asked Aaron if there was anything special that his daddy does for him or things they do together, and he replied, "Not really." At least when she asked the same question about me he said that I read books to him and played with him. Ethan answered every question, "I don't know." and then proceeded to give an answer after that! But hey, they are 3 and 5 years old! They were both able to show that they understand something about adoption. She asked Ethan if his sister would come from mommy's tummy and he said, "No. She'll come from another state." For a three year old, that's pretty good. He knows she will come from China, but I guess he isn't exactly sure what China is!

We also had a conference call with our adoption agency this week. They just went over the basic steps to compiling the dossier, which we have already done most of. There were quite a few families on the call. I knew we were working with a large agency, but for some reason it still surprised me that there were so many people at the same stage as us in the process.

So from here, we begin sealing the documents that have to go out of state: our birth certificates. Then we wait for the home study report. Once we get it, we can file our I-800A form with immigration, which is basically a form asking for advance permission to adopt from a foreign country. That is the longest wait while compiling the dossier. Because the I-800A is a new form as of April 2008, we were told that they are fast-tracking them when they come in since they are training employees on them. It is fortunate for us that they are!

Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that we only applied and were accepted to our adoption agency three weeks ago. I feel like I have been doing this for much longer than that! And I am so impatient! I am worried that immigration is going to take forever so I want to get the home study report yesterday so I can file already!! I know that I still have 22 weeks until this baby is due and that is my only real deadline with all of this adoption paperwork, but for some reason, when I hit 18 weeks, I started a mini-panic like, "Oh my gosh! I am almost halfway through this pregnancy and nothing in the adoption is truly complete yet!! What am I going to do??" But Jerry has been quoting one of my favorite, yet recently forgotten verses to me a lot - in fact, just this morning. Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." So I am praying. I am already praying for this little girl who is not even conceived yet. I am praying that I will not worry about timing. And yet at the same time I am praying that the report will come back quickly! How's that for dual-minded! But fortunately, God knows and understands me and knows the deepest desires of my heart. And the really cool thing is that he cares!

Go Check It Out

If you haven't already, I highly suggest checking out Terry's post today. This is a hot topic with me and she has expressed what was in my head to a "T."

I Am a Flower In the Countryside

Psalm 193:13-16
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
ADONAI has compassion on those who fear him.
For he understands how we are made,
he remembers that we are dust.
Yes, a human being’s days are like grass,
he sprouts like a flower in the countryside –
but when the wind sweeps over, it’s gone;
and its place know it no more.

Proverbs 14:1
Every wise woman builds up her home,
but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.

Faith. Family.

I think that particular proverb must be my very favorite ever. You can read it in so many different ways and it still instructs us to take care of our home, not just our house.

These two passages from the Bible really press upon me where our priorities should be as women of faith, mothers of faith. I’ve heard it said often by women who have children and then go outside the home for a job that they “want to make a difference in the world.” I think that’s all well and good; we all want to make a difference in our world, but the Bible clearly says here that our time on earth is fleeting and meaningless. In the end, your impact is biggest on your children and your husband, and to entrust your children’s care to relative strangers and compete with your husband over who’s career is more important is “tearing your house down with your own hands” only to have your existence and “difference” forgotten about relatively quickly in the span of time.

When I think about my grandmother, who died nearly four years ago, I wonder who remembers her. Her husband, her daughters, and her grandchildren do. I’m sure that there are people out there scratching their heads trying to remember “what that lady’s name was,” but it’s her family that still thinks of the difference she made in our lives, we still cook her recipes and talk about her over dinner.

It does make me wonder why we still ponder over things that people have said in the past, like Aristotle and Plato. I’ll admit I haven’t studied them to any degree that is notable; did they say anything that is truly worth repeating? Or do we just contemplate their speeches because we like to think we think deeply. You can’t deny that people have said and done things in the past that have left a lasting impression on the world. Martin Luther, Mother Theresa and Abraham Lincoln all come to mind in an instant. But they weren’t mothers.

I am thankful today that God understands that I am simply dust and he loves me and forgives me when I start tearing my house down with my own hands. I am thankful for all the blessings he has bestowed on me and for a mind clear enough to see and appreciate them as the blessings that they are. I think I’ll go do some laundry.

Not Your Nature Television

Yesterday we went on a Fabulous Family Adventure. Don't you just love those? We went to the Alafia River State Park and hiked, picnicked and played on their playground, screamed at bugs, bled, threw rocks and sticks and leaves and oohed and aahed at all the wonders of God's great creation.

Having grown up hiking and camping mainly in southwest Colorado and northwest New Mexico the flora and fauna of Florida is so different. I miss the aspen trees and columbines and the smell of pine trees and the rocks you can pick up anywhere and throw in the rivers. It's hard to find rocks in Florida. It's all sand and these teeny little excuses for rocks. Makes gardening easier, but not quite as fun when you're hiking.

One thing that I learned yesterday had something to do with the whole communication issue in regards to Shepherding a Child's Heart. I find myself often being bored or uninterested in what my kids are talking to me about and it's usually because they are retelling me parts of movies they've seen over and over and over again. As I was tucking the kids in last night I stopped and talked to Sarah in depth about her day, asking her what her favorite part was and what her least favorite part was and it was genuinely fun talking to her about our adventures. I am starting to consider the television and it's distractions and divisive qualities as one of the biggest detriments to a good, quality communication relationship with my kids. This is something that God is really convicting me about. I am not convinced that all television time is inherently evil (although I'm willing to discuss the merits of this argument), but I am of the persuasion that our family watches too much T.V.

On a lighter note, someone please tell me what the deal is with this...frog. We thought he was a new frog with his "tadpole" still attached but he's awfully big to be a baby frog, we thought. It's a little creepy.

(Re)Considering Ballet

As you know, we have the two older girls in a dance class each. Sarah's is ballet, tap, tumbling for an hour and Ella's is ballet for 45 minutes. I have had conflicting feelings about sending the girls to a dance class from the very beginning, often saying things about "poise", "grace" and "discipline" to ease any conscience pricks that may have arisen.

From my reading post, you also know that I have had the intention to read Tedd Tripp's Shepherding a Child's Heart. So, I have been waking up with Del and after he leaves I read my bible and a book until the kids wake up. I am reading Mr. Tripp's book and it is quite a doozy; very conscience pricking.

Here's my issue with ballet.

We are to have a God-oriented, God-glorifying, God-pleasing life.

1) We can get them to ballet on time every week without fail but we can't get them to church? We don't even do a simple Sunday service at home in our house. We don't even do a daily bible study, but we sure can get them to ballet on time.

2) Are we sending them to ballet because of the social pressure of giving your child what makes them happy? The "grace" thing doesn't always resonate with me considering what I see them learning in class. They learn the recital and not the discipline of ballet. The only reason we sent them in the first place is because Sarah asked to go and we like to give them things that make them happy.

3) Does ballet counteract our modesty message? I don't want them in the recital because I don't want them performing in public in tights and a leotard, but does simply sending them to ballet give them mixed messages about beauty and modesty?

4) What is the end purpose of ballet? Does it glorify God? If we are teaching them that everything we do glorifies God, is ballet what they should be doing at this time?

Some things that Tedd brought up that have made me consider these things are:

We homeschool; we "refuse to have them influenced by secular humanism in school, but will expose them to unbiblical ideas of beauty in dance class."

"Many families who always have time for team practice are unable to organize family life around regular times of family Bible reading and prayer. What values are taught?"

From the shorter catechism:
Q: What is the chief end of man?
A: Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.

"You must equip your children to function in a culture that has abandoned the knowledge of God. If you teach them to use their abilities, aptitudes, talents and intelligence to make their lives better, without reference to God, you turn them away from God. If your objectives are anything other than "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever," you teach your children to function in the culture on its terms."

All these things are making me question ballet, at this time. I feel we as a family need to put more of an emphasis on glorifying God on a daily basis, before we venture out into other activities.

I also think that because I homeschool, I desired to put them into ballet so that I could prove to other people that we are normal; we do normal things, just like everyone else. This is hardly a God-glorifying reason to put them in such an expensive and time consuming activity.

Weekend Update

We have an executed contract on the house we're trying to buy; we're just waiting for the bank to approve it. Our realtor and the loan guy are both positive that the bank will just sign the papers and hand over the keys. This is the closest we've ever been to being $250,000 in debt. It's a wee bit scary.

We went to visit my grandma over the weekend. I remember as I was growing up, watching myself get taller than her; at the same time I was getting taller, she was shrinking. I can't wait to be as short and cute and lovable as she is and to be surrounded by my family. We went on a walk and saw two alligators and rescued a huge turtle.

I was thinking about righteousness. When I think about my life I know I've fallen way short of God's expectations. I get nervous about God's judgement; how is that going to go down? Once when I was 13 I asked my (ex)uncle if ,when God was judging me, I'd be embarrassed. He barked basically that I should be more concerned about obeying God than being embarrassed. He was very unsympathetic to a young teen wondering about God. Anyway, sometimes I still think about that. I'm not so worried about being embarrassed as far as what other people will think of me, but what God will think of me. "Not righteous," is what I'm thinking. (This is a lot of thinking, I think.) Anyway, what eases my worry is that God credited Abraham's trust as righteousness (Genesis 15:6). Abraham was not always trusting, or obedient, yet God still called him righteous. This gives me comfort on two levels. 1) God is just and we can trust him to judge us justly, 2) Abraham was just. like. me.

Trying For Perfection

It's the rage these days for SAHMoms to make all sort of claims of trying to be a Proverbs 31 wife. I've had a problem with this for a while. When I read that passage in the bible I feel nothing but guilt and a horrible overwhelming sense of falling far, far, far and did I mention far short of that fine lady. I think she's unattainable and so I rebel at even trying to become her. The fact of the matter is I am not perfect and as far as I can tell, the lady described therein is perfect. I bet she never yells at her kids or gets irritated with her husband.

Anyway, one of the things that sticks with me is verse 15 where the Bible says, "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." I mean, why can't I have a servant girl? No, just kidding, that's not what sticks with me.

I noticed several months ago as Del was struggling through his 5:15 a.m. wake up call and then later at 8 a.m. my daughters coming into my room to get me out of bed that I was a lazy wife and mom. I mean, that Proverbs 31 lady gets up while it's still dark and gets stuff done before her family get up and makes them food. My children were having to drag me out of bed and poor Del was left to be miserable and lonely in the dark while I snuggled deeper under the covers.

Starting on Monday I got up at 5:15 with Del. I got dressed, packed his lunch and chatted with him until he left for work. Then I made myself a pot of coffee and folded two baskets of laundry and then started two more loads. The kids were up at 7:15, and I gave them breakfast and we finished school before lunchtime. Can I just tell you how fabulous this is? I know you already wake up that early. For me, just knowing that I was not being a lazy, selfish shell of a mother and wife has been freeing.

The laundry is done every day, school is getting done consistently, breakfast is being had before 8 or 9 every morning and I'm even getting other projects done like sewing all those clothes I've promised to make and CLEANING THE BATHROOMS. The transition hasn't been totally smooth because we've all been very sick this week, but even so it's been better than when I rolled out of bed at or after 8 to the kids all saying, "Mom, can I have breakfast."

Maybe she is attainable. One verse at a time...